last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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