maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
