just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
