i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
