i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
