I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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