masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
