my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
