Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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