I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
