Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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