My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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