My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
