Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I need water and some morals
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
