when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
