So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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