my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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