worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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