god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
