And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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