PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
