I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dignity is for republicans.
Just invented taco cereal.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
