I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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