My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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