You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
