I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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