i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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