So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
