good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
