i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hippo gnu deer
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
