I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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