how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
