I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
