so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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