My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
