I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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