don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
