Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
