all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
