I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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