my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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