Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
