im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
