He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
