If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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