He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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