She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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