dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
