I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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