dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
